2019“外研社·国才杯”写作大赛高分记叙文展示

琪钤

上次推出写作大赛冠军的记叙文之后，小U收到了无数U粉儿留言，纷纷表示被这篇兼具文采与感情的作品深深打动，并希望能看到更多赛场佳作。

本期小U将继续带来2019“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作决赛高分记叙文佳作，来聆听不一样的动人故事，品味嘉宾的细致点评！

真题分享

Write a story based on the poem A Traveller's Song by Meng Jiao, a Chinese poet of the Tang Dynasty. You can choose to write a true story or an imaginary one. You should provide your own title and write between 600 and 800 words.



游子吟

孟郊

慈母手中线，

游子身上衣。

临行密密缝，

意恐迟迟归。

谁言寸草心，

报得三春晖。

A Traveller's Song

By Meng Jiao

Translated by Liu Jianxun

The thread in the hands of a fond-hearted mother

Makes clothes for the body of her wayward boy;

Carefully she sews and thoroughly she mends,

Dreading the delays that will keep him late from home.

But how much love has the inch-long grass

For three spring months of the light of the sun?

选手破题思路



殷晓涵  同济大学（指导教师：钱杨）

2019“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛一等奖



看到这个题目时，我首先想到的是“游子”这个意象在中国传统语境下的意蕴。在古代，“游子”身份常意味着出征或赶考，文中我选择了自己更为熟悉的赶考情境。然而如果仅仅是母亲为即将赶考的孩子缝衣，立意则比较俗套，于是我决定把主人公设置为一个渴望通过自我学习、奋斗来改变家乡贫穷现状的女孩。

题目中The Night Before the Departure of her Wayward "Boy" ，用引号做出暗示。根据我的理解，用一首古诗作为主题，具有明显的中华文化指向，我在文中也增添了一些相关的细节，比如主人公的家庭因属于“士农工商”中的商人阶级而一直希望改变当时的社会地位，也提及古代普遍存在的重男轻女思想等等。

由于赛场写作时间有限，我在文章的结构把控上仍有不足，铺垫笔墨过多，且全文对具体的语言、神态描写可以更好。通篇以旁观者的角度着笔，或许比较难以引起强烈的共鸣。然而文章的内核——学习的最终目的和改变命运的勇气，是我希望传达给读者的。

作品欣赏

The Night Before the Departure

of her Wayward "Boy"

As the last tinge of scarlet from the setting sun disappeared from the endless sky, night fell on the serene, remote village. There were barely lights, but after all there were no pleasant scenes to look at except zigzag country roads, pitiful leaves dangling on the gnarled trees which had not yet recovered from the previous winter and shabby little houses that made spectators doubt whether they sufficed the exalted title of "bungalow".

It was just a typical night in this village whose quiet and peaceful appearance bellied its looming crisis. The village wasn't at all an ideal place for agriculture, but being faraway from those prosperous harbors or political centers, it had to rely on growing crops not only to support its own people, but also keep the forlorn hope of selling them as another source of income. Years after years it had lived in destitution, and this year, the situation had unfortunately worsened, when most young men, which could have consisted of its majority of laborers, had been recruited to the royal army to defend the newly-emerged empire against rebellious minorities putting a threat to its borders and a terrible drought depriving the region of almost any possibility of harvest.

On this particular night, seemingly everyone was asleep after another day torn by physical exhaustion as well as apprehension for the worrying future. Only in one room existed lights from a lit candle. An aged lady was sewing a piece of cloth. Needles and threads surrounding her were in a mess, for she couldn't see clearly due to the dim light and her failing eyesight.

She was the wife of a businessman and a mother of two. Their family was comparatively wealthy thanks to the success of her husband's tealeaf business with dealers from coastal areas, so at least they, unlike other families in the village, wouldn't need to struggle to make a living. But this didn't provide them with any superiority to boast about. By contrast, they were scorned because they belonged to the "businessmen" class.

She had a boy and a girl called Zilai. The name was given by her father, which meant "advent of boy". It was not hard to imagine the disappointment of him when the first child turned out to be a girl, who was "useless" in tending to the family business and make a difference to their social reputation when grew up.

Thankfully, the name worked, with a loud cry suggesting the birth of a boy who shouldered the hope of the family came two years after Zilai came to the world. Her brother, Zigui ("return of a boy" in Chinese), soon became the focus of attention. He was buried in books of classic and sent to be taught in a small school in the closest town, expected to go through the stringent selection of Keju examinations to become a government official one day.

She continued with her needlework on the men's winter coat, but her mind wandered to many years ago. On a dark night just like this one, she spotted Zilai tiptoeing into her brother's study to read the books that she was forbidden to touch but had long desired; some day after discovering that it was her who wrote the essay highly praised by the teacher after being handed in by Zigui, it was again her daughter who became the victim of her husband's furious punishment instead of Zigui, who asked his sister to help since it was way too difficult for him. Immense guilt flooded over her, and pushed her to continue to mend the clothes for Zilai. She was not mistaken. The men's overcoat was indeed for Zilai.

Two years ago, Zilai came to her, begging her to permit her to take the examinations under the disguise of a man. She was astonished at first, but deeply touched by Zilai's explanation. "All these years I kept asking myself what could be changed in our village, and what is the ultimate aim for taking Keju exams. Now I firmly believe what we need is not students locked up in their studies who are versed in cliches in the classics, but leaders who are dedicated to the people and capable of figuring out effective ways to change the status quo. For me, I want to study and take the exams not for the social status of our family, but for make a difference to this place."

It was the night before Zilai left for the exam. Now that she understood her, she truly wished to give her daughter as much support as she could, as if to make up for the past years when they inexorably deprived a girl of her opportunities to learn, and to change. The next day, her brave "boy" would be on the way. And this time, she knew Zilai would definitely make a change. To the place that nurtured her though it had been sunken in the mire of extreme poverty, to the family though it had owed her too much, but most importantly, to the future of herself.

（为真实展示选手赛场上的写作风貌，文章为从iTEST 大学外语测试与训练系统中摘出的原生作品，仅供学习分享使用。）

嘉宾点评



俞博 副教授  电子科技大学

2019“外研社·国才杯”全国英语写作大赛

亚军指导老师

长期致力于英语类学科竞赛指导和培训，曾指导学生获2014“外研社杯”全国英语演讲大赛季军，2017“外研社杯”全国英语阅读大赛亚军。

在本届写作大赛的记叙文部分，选手需要根据孟郊的《游子吟》，写一篇真实或虚构的故事。本篇作文也许是虚构的，但绝非无中生有。作者将中国旧时的社会状况与诗的主题相扣，巧妙的情节设计令其作品脱颖而出，给读者留下了难以磨灭的印象和触动。

1. 冲突（conflicts）的设置使本文独具特色。

冲突一，标题中的“男孩”的真实身份突然揭晓；

冲突二，被贬低忽视的女孩和被寄予厚望的弟弟学业能力的反差；

冲突三，世人当做光宗耀祖之道的科举考试，却被女孩视为改变家乡的途径；

冲突四，看似没有话语权的家庭主妇——母亲，却是女孩所受不幸的见证者和梦想的支持者。

2. 作者思维活跃，却从未远离《游子吟》。

首先，本文直接命题为The Night Before the Departure of Her Wayward "Boy"，作者别有巧思地将Boy放到双引号中，埋下伏笔，引发了读者一探究竟的欲望。

其次，在倒数第三段，作者在开头部分明确说明母亲缝补的是男式棉袄，却在最后突然点明这件衣服是为“子来”所备。读者不禁会想，母亲莫非是为她而“临行密密缝”？她又即将为何而行？前文提及“子归”被寄予厚望去参加科举、光宗耀祖，文采却与“子来”相差甚远，甚至求助“子来”为其作文。此刻，读者的思维已被激活，对“子来”女扮男装参加科举考试的情节应有感知。

最后，在文章结尾，故事进入高潮。“子来”曾对母亲吐露心声，她充满抱负、志存高远。而今母亲予以理解，却难掩舐犊之情，她希望“子来”此行不仅是为了家乡，为了家庭，更是为了自己。“谁言寸草心，报得三春晖”在本文最后得到了升华。

3. 措辞行文颇有亮点。

作者在开篇进行背景描述时用词准确、形象，成功地描绘了一个萧瑟阴郁，平静却又暗藏着危机的偏远山村。同时，拟人的手法也让对村庄的描写更为生动，如，“It had to rely on..., but also keep the forlorn hope of...”, “It had lived in destitution...”。

总之，本文在营造冲突上做得非常成功，主人公的身份设定以及情节走向也引人深思，激发共鸣。能在如此有限的时间内完成构思和有效呈现，实为难能可贵。

但如果时间充裕，我想作者可以在以下几个方面做得更好：1.少许用词和固定搭配的准确性。2.句子的设计和打磨，尤其是长句语法的正确性和达意的准确性。3.人称代词指代的明确性。

最后，我想说，孟郊在年已半百之时谋得一个卑微官职，半生的不得志和颠沛流离有了些许改善，为了感恩母亲，便创作了这一首诗。作者将科举考试作为文中主线，灵感是否来源于此不得而知。如是，反应了作者丰富的文化底蕴；如非，我们也依然应该为其敏捷的思维和大胆的构思拍手叫好。

读罢这篇富有情感又极具巧思的文章

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来和小U在评论区交流属于你的“游子吟”！

往期精选



2019“外研社·国才杯”写作大赛

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2019“外研社·国才杯”写作大赛

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